News
that the Tory Party are having
difficulty picking a honest candidate for Mayor of London was met with absolutely no shock
yesterday. “I’m not shocked at all. The Tory Party are hardly the most
trustworthy bunch of people around.” said Mr. W. Hague of Westminster. His reaction was echoed all around Britain
with people reporting no feelings of shock whatsoever but a strong feeling of deja vu. We asked Radio 1 DJ Mark Radcliffe for his
opinion, he said “What has this got to
do with me? Leave me alone, I’ve got no
idea who you are.”
GIANT HEDGEHOG TO
BE NEW RADIO 1 BREAKFAST DJ!
After
months of speculation it was announced that the Radio 1 Breakfast show will be
fronted by a giant hedgehog called Herbert.
“I’m so proud” Herbert said.
“The BBC have shown so much faith in me. I have so many more advantages to a human DJ, for example I can curl up in a ball and hurl myself at
guests if they get too lippy.”
We will run this story until someone takes notice.
STILL NO SHOCK….
There
were still no reported cases of shock with the news that a jury believed that a former Tory MP had corruptly
taken payments. “No I’m afraid that’s
not shocking at all” said one source who had nothing to do with the story, “I’m
not surprised at all”. We asked Radio 1 DJ Mark Radcliffe what he thought, he
said “I’ve told you once leave me alone or I’ll be speaking to my legal
representative.”
BLAIR IS STILL PREGNANT!
Cherie
Blair was said to be delighted with the news that Tony Blair is still
pregnant. A tramp in Croydon who
insisted that he was commenting on Cherie Blair’s behalf said “I thought the
geezer was getting a bit podgy around the ole waistline but it turns out he had a bun in the oven” We asked Radio 1 DJ Mark Radcliffe whether
the news had anything to do with him.
He said “I’ll be taking out a restraining order against you.
Our correspondent failed his Biology GCSE.
With
the continued French boycott of British beef, the French have laughed off
claims that French beef is unfit for human consumption. Said one official “We might be feeding our
cows shite but at least our cows don’t release it as albums.” Geri Halliwell’s new album is out in the
shops now.” We were going to ask Radio
1 DJ Mark Radcliffe for his views but were promptly arrested when we came
within 50 feet of him.
We
would like to apologize to all those who believed that we at The Ton had genuinely
spoken to Mark Radcliffe. We have never
spoken to him, seen him, had drinks with him, played cards with him or
discussed the finer points of sumo wrestling with him. We have sacked the offending correspondent,
who had claimed that the lying was “part of the preparation for my attempt to
become Jeffrey Archer’s personal
assistant ”.
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