The TON

 

Britain’s only online newspaper!……..called The TON

 

TORY MP’s IN MAYOR CRISIS

 

News that  the Tory Party are having difficulty picking a honest candidate for Mayor of London  was met with absolutely no shock yesterday.  “I’m not shocked at all.  The Tory Party are hardly the most trustworthy bunch of people around.” said Mr. W. Hague of Westminster.  His reaction was echoed all around Britain with people reporting no feelings of shock whatsoever but  a strong feeling of deja vu.  We asked Radio 1 DJ Mark Radcliffe for his opinion,  he said “What has this got to do with me?  Leave me alone, I’ve got no idea who you are.” 

 

GIANT HEDGEHOG TO BE NEW RADIO 1 BREAKFAST DJ!

 

After months of speculation it was announced that the Radio 1 Breakfast show will be fronted by a giant hedgehog called Herbert.  “I’m so proud” Herbert said.  “The BBC have shown so much faith in me.   I have so many more advantages to a human DJ, for example  I can curl up in a ball and hurl myself at guests if they get too lippy.” 

We will run this story until someone takes notice.

 

 

STILL NO SHOCK….

 

There were still no reported cases of shock with the news that a jury  believed that a former Tory MP had corruptly taken payments.  “No I’m afraid that’s not shocking at all” said one source who had nothing to do with the story, “I’m not surprised at all”. We asked Radio 1 DJ Mark Radcliffe what he thought, he said “I’ve told you once leave me alone or I’ll be speaking to my legal representative.”

 

BLAIR IS STILL PREGNANT!

 

Cherie Blair was said to be delighted with the news that Tony Blair is still pregnant.  A tramp in Croydon who insisted that he was commenting on Cherie Blair’s behalf said “I thought the geezer was getting a bit podgy around the ole waistline but it turns out  he had a bun in the oven”  We asked Radio 1 DJ Mark Radcliffe whether the news had anything to do with him.  He said “I’ll be taking out a restraining order against you.

 

Our correspondent failed his Biology GCSE.

 

 

BEEF CRISIS CONTINUES…

 

With the continued French boycott of British beef, the French have laughed off claims that French beef is unfit for human consumption.  Said one official “We might be feeding our cows shite but at least our cows don’t release it as albums.”  Geri Halliwell’s new album is out in the shops now.”   We were going to ask Radio 1 DJ Mark Radcliffe for his views but were promptly arrested when we came within 50 feet of him.  

 

An Apology

 

We would like to apologize to all those who believed that we at The Ton had genuinely spoken to Mark Radcliffe.  We have never spoken to him, seen him, had drinks with him, played cards with him or discussed the finer points of sumo wrestling with him.  We have sacked the offending correspondent, who had claimed that the lying was “part of the preparation for my attempt to become  Jeffrey Archer’s personal assistant ”.

 

 

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